Finding hope again.

A cold December 2012.

Merlin blew out a line of smoke and laid down his hand and pressed the cigarette against the boot of his car, he heard it lightly hiss and the burning light died down as did his hope, he breathed in the saltiness of the air around him, he heard the light cry of the ocean on his side, he felt the soft dots of the splashes of the ocean spray onto his shaking form as he slowly turned his head to the side and watched the water pull back and flow forwards at him.

He zipped up his old hoodie as he felt the wind pick up, the calming sound of the ocean took him into a light slumber as he laid against his car.

"Merlin…."

"Merlin…"

"Merlin…."

The wind called his name as hissed the ocean, and as did a voice.

Merlin blinked open his eyes and slowly got off his car and shook from the cold and trudged over to the shore line.

"H-Hello?" he called.

A light on a part of the ocean lit up and it glowed brighter and brighter,  Merlin shielded his eyes and slowly it died down.

He took his hand away and squinted and saw a figure in the distance.

"Hello…are you alright?" Merlin asked as he walked into the icy water, his feet screaming in agony from the coldness of it, he shook more.

"Merlin…" Breathed the man with joy and relief.

Slowly he walked up to Merlin.

The man saw him appear, it…it was Arthur.

"Merlin…Merlin it's me…" Arthur chuckled.

The man continued to shake, holding his arms from the cold, silent.

He slowly turned and trudged out of the water and made his way back to his car.

"Merlin?" Arthur frowned, smiling slightly in confusion and walked up to him and placed his gloved hand on the mans' scrawny shoulder.

"Piss off…" Merlin hissed and flinched away and got into his car.

"Merlin…Merlin wait Merlin!" Arthur cried as he heard the engine of the car growl.

He ran up to Merlin's window and banged on it.

"Merlin, I'm back I thought you'd be happy, Merlin…Merlin let me in!" he cried, scared for being left alone.

Slowly the window fell down and Merlin looked up at him with no emotion.

"You feel scared don't you…" He noticed.

Arthur gulped and nodded.

"So was I…why should I help you, because you certainly didn't help me." He hissed and rolled up the window and drove but stopped.

Arthur slowly walked up to the passenger side and held the handle and pushed forwards.

"Merlin…I hate to ask this but…how do you open this?"

The man suddenly darted forwards and angrily opened it and sat down and gripped the wheel, hiding the tears.

"Just fucking get in you…shit…" He whispered.

Arthur frowned and obeyed and closed the door.

He slowly looked up and saw a brown string hanging from the rectangular mirror in the middle of the front of the car, bellow was a tiny plastic shield of Camelot's coat of arms, a golden dragon.

He bent his head and Merlin started the car and blew out a sigh and drove to his house.

He got out and opened Arthur's door and took his arm and walked in him and put him on the cough.

"Anything you need, water…food?" Merlin dully asked as he fumbled through a kitchen draw.

"I uh…w-water?" Arthur asked and Merlin took out a glass and opened the fridge, Arthur heard the glugs of the water flowing into the glass, the man looked around the large flat.

"It's…nice…" Arthur said slowly, everything was so odd to him.

"I got a job…at a museum and I was a speaker, an Arthurian speaker and got paid really well…" Merlin said and gave Arthur his glass of water, not looking at him.

He sat down next to Arthur and turned on the T.V and silently watched, arms crossed.

Arthur bit his lip and put the empty glass down and smiled, turning to Merlin.

"I'm really happy you see you Merlin…" He said, cheerfully and honestly and slowly looked down to Merlin's hand which lay on the cough.

He slowly laid his hand on Merlin's hand, he gasped as it was cold.

"Merlin, you're freezing!" He gasped and held it close, huffing his warm breath on it, suddenly Merlin snatched it away from him and ran to the bathroom and smashed the door closed.

He fell to his knees and bent down, silently sobbing, hands covering his face.

Arthur waited for a while and stood up and walked to the bathroom and heard the man cry.

He opened the door and walked in to see him kneeling.

He walked up to him and sat down.

Carefully he laid his hand on the mans shoulder but before it touched him Merlin screamed.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Arthur gasped and took his hand away and watched the man cry.

"Merlin…"

"Just go to bed…" Merlin brokenly wept.

"Merlin…what's with you…I thought you'd be happy, I knew you would be, I saw you thinking of that even, why are you being like this?" Arthur frowned, angrily.

"JUST GO TO BED!!" Merlin screamed.

Arthur tightened his hand and made a fist.

"No Merlin, you tell me now!"

"That was a long time ago…a long….long, long time ago…" Merlin wept and continued to cry.

"Merlin-"

"I'm not Merlin….not the Merlin you knew…he's gone…he's gone when you died…and there's no getting him back…never…you just have to deal with…what ever this is…." He hissed.

"Merlin……" Arthur breathed and tried to hug the man but he only pushed him away.

"GO…GO, JUST GO!" He helplessly cried.

Arthur nodded and went to his room Merlin made and went to bed.

He heard the man cry and cry, soon the bathroom door opened and there where foot steps and he heard Merlin's door open and close.

Arthur soon fell asleep.

He woke the next day and Merlin acted as if there was this wall that he couldn't cross.

He slowly turned to the man as he flipped through the channels.

"So…you're job, when are you going again…I really want to hear what you say…" Arthur smiled.

"I quit…" Merlin said dully, eyes still stuck on the screen.

Arthur gasped.

"You quit…why! That's you're job Merlin, why would you quit it, how will you get money?!" He cried.

"There's no reason to continue it, you're back, and I finished the talk when you died, there's no next chapter to that, they don't know that you've returned, and I'm working as a chef at a very fancy restaurant and the pay is even more than I got there so you need not worry…" Merlin said.

"Okay…" Arthur nodded and was quiet.

"I'm going to buy some food, you ate all the last stack…" Merlin said and stood up.

"Sorry…" Arthur said.

"No need, I knew this was going to happen, just have to work hard I guess, like I al-…never mind…" Merlin said and left.

This carried on for months.

"Arthur…" Merlin called and found him on his bed, reading a book.

The blond looked up and gasped as he saw the man inject himself with something.

"Merlin what's that!?" He cried.

"Just my medicine…" He grit out and slowly took it out.

"Why…are you ill?" He asked.

"I have a little cold…that's all…it just tires me out…." Merlin said and threw it away and walked in.

"Merlin, you're scaring me…" Arthur said and held his shoulder.

"How?" Merlin asked.

"Where…." Arthur sighed.

He held tighter and looked at him with sadness.

"Where are you?" he breathed.

"Right here…"

"No, Merlin…my Merlin dammit, where the fuck are you!?" He hissed.

"Look Arthur just let it go…"

"This is the first time I'm discussing this Merlin so let me!" he hissed and sighed.

"What happened to you?"

"You did…" Merlin slowly panted, sweating slightly.

"Merlin, what's wrong…?" Arthur frowned.

"The….medicine…" Merlin whispered and laid against Arthur.

"Merlin…" Arthur squeaked and hugged him close, burning his face into the mans' shoulder.

"Merlin…" He sobbed.

"Feels nice…." Merlin whispered.

"Shhh don't talk…"

"Hug me tighter, Arthur…" Merlin whispered and the man did, making him moan.

"What's wrong, what's happening?" Arthur asked and gently moved Merlin so they where looking at one another.

"The drug…it's…working so fucking well…" He chuckled slightly.

Arthur frowned and looked down to see Merlin painfully hard.

The man moaned and held Arthur's face, smiling oddly.

"Why…are you so...gorgeous…so bloody, godly…fantastic?" he hushed and leaned in and kissed him.

Arthur pushed him back.

"Merlin, what are you doing!?" He cried but the man only chuckled.

"C'me here…" he grinned and held his face, giggling.

"No, Merlin stop…" Arthur said sternly and grabbed his wrists.

"Come…'here…" Merlin giggled and leaned in and kissed him hard.

Arthur moved away but fell to the bed, Merlin pressed himself against Arthur and kissed him hard.

"Merlin…" He gasped.

"Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur…" He giggled and kissed him passionately.

"Merlin stop…" Arthur groaned as Merlin rolled his hips against his.

"No, you'll love what comes next sweety…." He hushed and held Arthur hard.

"NO!" Arthur cried and sat up and pushed Merlin down, he was shocked, eyes wide.

"Sorry, but…I had to stop you, this isn't you…I'm worried…" Arthur said gently and took his hands away from Merlin's wrists and lightly stroked Merlin's cheek.

"I miss you Merlin…i…greave for you, for my Merlin, I think…that he's gone…but he's not, he can't be…tell me I'm wrong, Merlin, you always do, show me I haven't lost you….that…I haven't lost the man I love…." Arthur said and bent his head, crying.

"I'm sorry…" Merlin said gently and hugged him, kissing his cheek.

Arthur sobbed and hugged him tightly and sat up.

"Oh Merlin…what happened?" He breathed but the man didn't answer him.

"Merlin?"

"Merlin!?" He cried and parted the hug to see him fast asleep.

Arthur smiled and quietly and gently lifted him up into his arms and carried him to his room and pulled the covers over him and bent down and kissed his head and went to bed.

He woke the next morning and looked after Merlin till he woke.

"Arthur?" He frowned.

"Morning…" Arthur smiled and gave him a plate of burnt scrambled eggs.

Merlin slowly took it and smiled as he looked down at it.

He took his fork and scooped up a bunch of the egg and ate it.

Arthur looked onto the plate to see spots of tears on it.

"Merlin?" He frowned and looked up to see his hand against his eyes, trails of tears fell down his cheeks as he shook, sobbing.

Arthur carefully hugged him and the man cried and hugged the man tightly as if his life depended on it, he then screamed, screamed with sadness, wailing loudly.

"I MISSED YOU!!!!" He screamed.

"YOU JUST NEVER CAME, I JUST LOST HOPE, I FELT SO FUCKING LONLEY…SO SO LONEY!!!!!"

"ARRRTHURRRR!!!!" He screamed loudly and wailed.

Arthur's eyes where wide, tears falling down as he stared at the distance, shocked, Merlin wailed and screamed, shaking in his arms.

"Merlin…" He breathed and closed his eyes, setting his tears free and buried his face in Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin cried and cried and before he passed out he slowly smiled through the tails of snot and tears.

"You're….back…you're….here…"

He woke at midnight to Arthur slowly laying him down and pulling the covers over him.

"Arthur…" He whispered.

"Shh don't talk…" Arthur hushed and stroked his hair.

"I don't feel anything anymore…I want to though…" Merlin whispered.

"I know…I know now...but, knowing you…knowing how beautiful and amazing you are, you'll fight it, and you'll be okay again…" Arthur smiled and kissed his fore head, Merlin smiled and closed his eyes and fell asleep, the man smiled and held his hand.

"Don't worry…" Arthur said and left.

Merlin woke and gasped as Arthur wasn't there.

"ARTHUR!" He cried.

"ARTHUR!!!"

The man walked down a rainy street.

"I'm sorry Merlin…this will only be the way you'll be alright, I know you'll find me…when you do…I know, I know you'll be okay, in stead of negative energy, it will he positive energy, just…please forgive me…" He murmured.

Arthur went missing for weeks, Merlin was terrified.

One day he ran to the lake and found him there, standing, his back facing him.

"Arthur…" He breathed, grinning.

He ran up to the man, smiling, eyes bright.

"ARTHURRR!!" He cried and the man turned to him, smiling, arms extended.

Merlin ran into his arms and kissed him senseless.

"I'm back…" Merlin giggled. "I'm back!"

"I knew you could do it…" Arthur smiled and kissed him.

"I love you, Arthur…I love you!"

"I love you too, Merlin I love you so much!!!!" Arthur laughed and hugged Arthur and swung him around, both laughing.